I had always thought that PTSD was only temporary; an illness that can be overcome and cured. I had this idea that there would be a point in my life that I would be free from this condition. But PTSD isn't like that. My old therapist once said it was like living with diabetes. The disease never goes away. There's no cure. You can only control it with medication and/or lifestyle changes.
I forget that PTSD is like this. I will do so well for so long, and then something comes along that brings me right back to the trauma and the anxiety associated with it. I hate it. It's painful emotionally, mentally, and physically.
I probably have gone through more traumatic experiences than the average person. I was raped in 2007. I was subsequently harassed and blackmailed. The legal system said it was my fault. "You allowed yourself to be taken advantage of." A classic case of victim-blaming and victim-shaming.
From 2010-2011, I was emotionally, mentally and sexually abused by my then-boyfriend, Demian. Following our break up, he contacted my job about my past. I was forced to resign. He then posted my picture on my neighbors' front doors or cars. The flyers were not only misleading, but slanderous. He was (probably still is) a seriously flawed individual. While the things he did to me are unforgivable, I accepted that he was flawed and probably incapable of understanding the hurt he caused, and I was able to let it go.
In 2017, I was raped again. This time by Zorigt. He treated me horribly. The night after it happened, he sat there in his chair with a smug look on his face. He lied to me about caring for me. He lied to me about keeping our relationship. He pulled the same stunt as Demian. I think he reported me to my old job. I don't know, but I wouldn't be surprised. I reported Zorigt to Alameda PD for the charge of sexual assault.
2018. A chance encounter. I saw Zorigt. He had lied to me about leaving back to Mongolia. After I caught him in that lie, he attacked me again. Just like Demian...again. He sent out posts about my past.
I went to a new therapist; one who had helped me report the sexual assault through B.A.W.A.R. She told me what I have is not only PTSD but compound trauma; traumatic experiences from the initial rape, the legal system, Demian, and Zorigt. She encouraged being open with my feelings and talking with people whom I trust. While medication can help, it is best to be able to process the trauma. That's what this writing has done for me; it helps me process.
Today I saw someone who looked like Zorigt, but I know it wasn't him. But it made me think back to that very day, when he sat in that chair with a that smug look on his face. Then I hear myself softly say, "you son of a bitch. How could you?" How could you?
It's harder to move on because there hasn't been a resolution. The case is still open. Zorigt hasn't been formally charged. I wonder if he ever will be. I don't know if he's still in the same places (home, work, school), but I know he's still in the Bay Area. I get the feeling I probably will run into him again. I'm, quite literally, everywhere in the Bay Area...SF, North, East, South bays and the Peninsula. That feeling is what's causing my recent anxiety attacks. It's hard to breathe, my heart races, I clench my jaw, and my hands close into tight fists. I hate this feeling. It is painful, and I just want it to go away.
But it never really goes away.
Tags: Лхагвасүрэн Зоригт, Зоригоо, Zorigt Lkhagvasuren, Zorigoo, 저릭트