I still love him. I probably always will.
18/05/2021
It was a brief affair. Very brief. We were acquainted 6 months ago. "He's the good looking Asian guy," they said. I just gave a curious face. I'm not really into Asian guys. Then he walked up, and I thought, wow he is good looking with more of a Eurasian quality and very tall. His face is sort of a mix of actors Keanu Reeves and Brandon Lee. Then he started to talk, and I was stunned by the beautiful sound of his baritone voice. He didn't sound Asian. I couldn't place his accent before he told me that his primary language is Russian and that he is from Kyrgyzstan. Intriguing.
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| Ozer Kelgenbaytegin озер Келгенбайтегин |
It was a brief affair. Very brief. We were acquainted 6 months ago. "He's the good looking Asian guy," they said. I just gave a curious face. I'm not really into Asian guys. Then he walked up, and I thought, wow he is good looking with more of a Eurasian quality and very tall. His face is sort of a mix of actors Keanu Reeves and Brandon Lee. Then he started to talk, and I was stunned by the beautiful sound of his baritone voice. He didn't sound Asian. I couldn't place his accent before he told me that his primary language is Russian and that he is from Kyrgyzstan. Intriguing.
On occasion we've met for lunch/dinner discussing language and literature. I learned he actually speaks four languages. I told him of my fluency in Spanish, Italian and Brazilian Portuguese; the latter two more of a listening and reading comprehension with moderate speaking ability in a strong Spanish accent. He listens to jazz and classical music. He, too, is a dancer, but not in swing. He dances the waltz (hence the classical music). His favorite getaway is Half Moon Bay, and I go there practically every weekend if not to Pescadero or Santa Cruz. Coming from a landlocked country, I'm sure he has this need to be close to the water. The more we got to know each other, the more I learned how much in common we have. We even have a deep scar on our faces; mine next to my left eye and his next to his right eye.
In the months that followed, I could feel the mutual attraction between us. I was surprised when he said his roommates know about me as well as people in his country. Imagine that; my name has been floated half way around the world. Crazy. I thus decided to let the chips fall where they may. For the first time since Demian, I allowed a man to visit my home and share my bed.
As I lay in his arms, I opened up about my past and left out no details. I even told him about Demian. As I was speaking between tears, he held me tighter all the while stroking my hair between kisses on my forehead. He couldn't find the right words in English, so he spoke only in Russian; I hadn't realized how beautiful the language sounds; even more so when I heard the English translation. "Everything will be okay." He seemed convinced that good things will happen to me because I am a good person not only to him but everyone around me. However, there was definitely a sense that something wasn't quite right. As we were about to say goodbye for the night, he said, "I have to tell you the truth about something."
I always knew that he was younger than me. I just didn't know how much younger. I figured he was in his mid-20s. He certainly looks it. He admitted to having just turned 19 in July. I was aghast, "You mean to tell me there is a 20 year age gap between us?!" He said he originally thought I was about 28, but I was always up front about my age; he knows I'm 39. I was in absolute shock. He tried to rationalize his lie by telling me that he wanted people to see him as an adult (but he is). I certainly wasn't the only person he lied to about his age. He then stated that the age difference was not a big deal and that in his country, there are many relationships involving younger men, older women. He admitted that his other sexual experiences were with women at least 10 years older. He saw that I was having a panic attack (associated with my PTSD) and he understood why I would take his news very hard and apologized for the lie. He visited my home again a few days later. I told him that I accepted the age difference and decided that I would be okay with it. He held me tighter in his arms.
The more time we spent together, the more we conversed; and the more we realized that the differences, not just in age but in other factors, would be problematic for him. I'm a devout Catholic and he a Muslim. I'm of Latin descent; he of Asian descent. American and Kyrgyz cultures are completely different. And his mother would not approve. Great. Another mama's boy. He stated that his older sister married a Turkish man and that his mom drove the couple to divorce solely because of the husband's heritage. He decided to play it safe and end the relationship. He is still dependent on his mother even though she lives thousands of miles away. Regardless, she would cut him off.
I had been celibate for four years because I wanted to avoid heartbreak. And as I reflected on this situation, I became angry with him. I felt as though I was some kind of conquest for him, and once he had me, he was done. He assured me that this wasn't the case, but I would have none of it. I said some awful things to him. I called him an asshole. A coward. I told him that I hated him and that he disgusted me. Harsh.
A week had passed before I talked to him again. He said he was sorry and that he never meant to hurt me, but also to understand his situation and his culture. He said I deserved someone better. Deep down I already know this, but no matter what, I still care about him. I told him that everything I said was just in anger, and he told me that he understood that my reaction was because he hurt me. He doesn't hold it against me. I just felt like he threw me away without any care or regard for my feelings. He finally said that in his heart, he still cares for me. That brought me to tears. In a way, I guess I needed to hear that. It makes it much easier to move forward. In the end, we've decided to remain friends.
As I reflected on this whole situation, I can't help but think about the maturity this young man demonstrated, especially after I criticized him so harshly. He had the sense to understand that people say things only out of anger and not because they truly feel that way. He understood that his actions caused pain and thus accepted accountability. He knew to give me time to heal (and knows that I'm still healing) without holding any kind of resentment. And he's only 19 years old. Demian, who is 41 years old, couldn't even do that. A grown man who is incapable of thinking beyond himself and so quick to put 100% blame on the people he's hurt.
It was as if Ozer came into my life to help me see that fact; that Demian is worthless and hopeless. And for that, I thank him for helping me understand that. I know now that our brief affair had its meaning and purpose.
In the months that followed, I could feel the mutual attraction between us. I was surprised when he said his roommates know about me as well as people in his country. Imagine that; my name has been floated half way around the world. Crazy. I thus decided to let the chips fall where they may. For the first time since Demian, I allowed a man to visit my home and share my bed.
As I lay in his arms, I opened up about my past and left out no details. I even told him about Demian. As I was speaking between tears, he held me tighter all the while stroking my hair between kisses on my forehead. He couldn't find the right words in English, so he spoke only in Russian; I hadn't realized how beautiful the language sounds; even more so when I heard the English translation. "Everything will be okay." He seemed convinced that good things will happen to me because I am a good person not only to him but everyone around me. However, there was definitely a sense that something wasn't quite right. As we were about to say goodbye for the night, he said, "I have to tell you the truth about something."
I always knew that he was younger than me. I just didn't know how much younger. I figured he was in his mid-20s. He certainly looks it. He admitted to having just turned 19 in July. I was aghast, "You mean to tell me there is a 20 year age gap between us?!" He said he originally thought I was about 28, but I was always up front about my age; he knows I'm 39. I was in absolute shock. He tried to rationalize his lie by telling me that he wanted people to see him as an adult (but he is). I certainly wasn't the only person he lied to about his age. He then stated that the age difference was not a big deal and that in his country, there are many relationships involving younger men, older women. He admitted that his other sexual experiences were with women at least 10 years older. He saw that I was having a panic attack (associated with my PTSD) and he understood why I would take his news very hard and apologized for the lie. He visited my home again a few days later. I told him that I accepted the age difference and decided that I would be okay with it. He held me tighter in his arms.
The more time we spent together, the more we conversed; and the more we realized that the differences, not just in age but in other factors, would be problematic for him. I'm a devout Catholic and he a Muslim. I'm of Latin descent; he of Asian descent. American and Kyrgyz cultures are completely different. And his mother would not approve. Great. Another mama's boy. He stated that his older sister married a Turkish man and that his mom drove the couple to divorce solely because of the husband's heritage. He decided to play it safe and end the relationship. He is still dependent on his mother even though she lives thousands of miles away. Regardless, she would cut him off.
I had been celibate for four years because I wanted to avoid heartbreak. And as I reflected on this situation, I became angry with him. I felt as though I was some kind of conquest for him, and once he had me, he was done. He assured me that this wasn't the case, but I would have none of it. I said some awful things to him. I called him an asshole. A coward. I told him that I hated him and that he disgusted me. Harsh.
A week had passed before I talked to him again. He said he was sorry and that he never meant to hurt me, but also to understand his situation and his culture. He said I deserved someone better. Deep down I already know this, but no matter what, I still care about him. I told him that everything I said was just in anger, and he told me that he understood that my reaction was because he hurt me. He doesn't hold it against me. I just felt like he threw me away without any care or regard for my feelings. He finally said that in his heart, he still cares for me. That brought me to tears. In a way, I guess I needed to hear that. It makes it much easier to move forward. In the end, we've decided to remain friends.
As I reflected on this whole situation, I can't help but think about the maturity this young man demonstrated, especially after I criticized him so harshly. He had the sense to understand that people say things only out of anger and not because they truly feel that way. He understood that his actions caused pain and thus accepted accountability. He knew to give me time to heal (and knows that I'm still healing) without holding any kind of resentment. And he's only 19 years old. Demian, who is 41 years old, couldn't even do that. A grown man who is incapable of thinking beyond himself and so quick to put 100% blame on the people he's hurt.
It was as if Ozer came into my life to help me see that fact; that Demian is worthless and hopeless. And for that, I thank him for helping me understand that. I know now that our brief affair had its meaning and purpose.
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