Vindicated

For nearly six years, I have been carrying a heavy weight on my shoulders. I was sexually assaulted by a young man and subsequently harassed and blackmailed over a two year period. There is a breaking point for each individual, and I had reached mine. When he threatened to come after me again, I snapped. And it was that breaking point that dramatically altered my life's journey and it cost me dearly.

However, I cannot say that it wasn't for the best. I learned a lot from that experience. I learned just how cruel the world can be. I learned that there is no such thing as justice. I also learned that during the nadir of your life, you know exactly who your true friends are. My family had always been supportive, so that's expected. But I was pleasantly surprised that not one of my friends turned their backs on me. They continued to stand by my side with love and support for they knew the truth both in the situation as well as my character. I was truly humbled.

I returned to San Francisco to start my life anew. Everyone commented on how exciting it would be to embark on a new journey, but deep down, I was scared witless. I knew I'd be okay, but one can't help being nervous. It didn't take much time to get readjusted to Bay Area life. I quickly formed friendships with several people in the swing dance scene. It's such a global yet tight knit community that there's always friends of friends that eventually become yours. Of course I established friendships with others who had no connection to people back in SoCal. Then I met Demian.

When he made clear that he had an interest in me, I divulged everything to him. I felt it was his right to know my history. I took a big risk in confiding the most personal details in my life, but if he truly wanted to be with me, then it wouldn't matter to him; he would still accept me. And he did; at least that is what he led me to believe.

Unfortunately, it was all just lip service. He was obsessed with getting as much information as possible from secondary and even tertiary sources; people who had zero connection to me who made up stories on the internet. My word wasn't good enough. My friends never questioned me. They knew me better than that. In fact, they refused to read what others had said about me. It didn't matter to them. I mattered to them.

I explained to Demian several times what had happened. I was stalked. I was sexually assaulted. I was blackmailed. I never had to explain the situation as many times to anyone else as I had with him. For someone who claimed to have loved me, to be giving me a "healthy relationship", to plan our future together as husband and wife, you'd think he'd accept my word as truth and leave the past to rest especially when his past is checkered and wouldn't want that thrown in his face. But he couldn't let it go. He continued to be verbally and emotionally abusive. It was heightened by his alcoholism, and it eventually led to sexual abuse. How could he? Knowing that I'm a rape survivor and he abused me sexually.

When the relationship ended, he used my past as his excuse. He refused to accept the fact that HE MESSED UP. He took the easy route and claimed it was my past. Pardon my French but what he did was chicken sh*t. He not only used it as an excuse but he disclosed that information to others and manipulated the facts of the situation. He even contacted my employer and disclosed that information. That is some cold-blooded thing to do to a person you claimed to have loved.

As I moved on from a person who has a clear psychological dysfunction, I decided to face the music and disclose what happened to all my friends. I figured Demian would never let it go and word could reach my circle. Once again, I received strong support from everyone. They didn't need to question me. They judged me solely on my character. And of course, they judged Demian on his actions. It wasn't what he did during the relationship but afterward. To disclose and manipulate the facts of someone else's history that he had no part of was the ultimate form of cowardice. Demian is a coward.

In recent months, I've had to deal with the situation again. That is, enduring Demian's continuous harassment and disclosure/manipulation of my history. He not only shared with others, but he had someone come to my neighborhood and post flyers on people's cars and front doors. Just when I thought his actions couldn't get any lower, they did. I know it was him because he had already established that pattern when he contacted my employer immediately following our break-up. I have no problems with anyone else. And as I've formed more friendships with people in the Bay Area, I've shared my experience with them because of what Demian had done to me. Again, they judged me by the content of my character. Again, I have their full support.

As part of my therapy, I had to recount everything that happened to me between 2007 and 2009. It is extremely, emotionally exhaustive.  I hate having to talk about it because it means reliving that whole experience in my mind. I provided a statement of those events; that I was raped and committed no offense. I was strapped to a polygraph and had to answer to my statement as truth. 

I passed. When I went home, I breathed a huge sigh of relief for it was a small amount of vindication.

Demian was wrong. He should have accepted my word as truth and been supportive instead of taking the role of a coward.

I know he wanted to bring me down and he took serious action to do so. In the end, I still prevailed. Thanks to his actions, I've earned my friends' trust, respect, support and admiration. I have a wonderful teaching position as a college instructor of English. I am rebuilding and strengthening myself physically, emotionally and mentally. I am succeeding academically and professionally not only in teaching, but also in dancing and modeling.

I think that, as I reflect on myself and my needs, it wasn't so much having all of my friends' support to help me through the trauma. I really wanted Demian's support. He failed me in that aspect (as well as every other). I really wanted him to just accept me and move on together from it, but he couldn't allow himself to do that and THAT'S why he was so abusive toward me. No matter what I said, it wasn't enough. Demian allowed the thoughts and words of other people, people who never met me, influence his beliefs about me. I think that is what hurts me the most. Yes it hurt that he abused me mentally, emotionally and sexually. But he hurt me most by refusing to accept my word, using my past against me, manipulating the facts and disclosing them to others.

I think the image below sums up this post best. In closing, it's not really a message for Demian, but for anyone who tries to kill my spirit.