I began blogging to help me battle Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). For years I was suffering from it due to a sexual assault in 2007. The disorder reached its apex when I faced an injustice system that repeatedly told me, "you allowed yourself to be taken advantage of." There was a consequence of that assault, and I was the one who paid the price. I lost everything. My house, my career, my reputation.
I moved back to San Francisco to rebuild my life. I refused to believe anyone who said it would be impossible for me to get back what I lost. I was determined to prove them wrong. I enrolled in graduate school and completed my MA degree at SF State. I continued swing dancing because it, literally, saved me from self destruction. Through swing dancing, I've created many new friendships with people around the Bay Area. I also obtained a teaching position at a local college. And I continue to persevere.
Of course there are moments that are harder than others. The disorder still lingers and there are many triggers and symptoms that I still suffer.
Triggers
Where I still continue to have a tough time, though, is with Demian. I disclosed everything to him from day one. I kept nothing from him. I was completely honest and vulnerable. This was the man who promised to take care of me; who promised he would never let me fall with promises of love, marriage, and children. I opened up to him, yet he judged me for it. And he betrayed my trust by disclosing my life to people who have never met me.
Triggers
- I can't have anyone approach me from behind.
- I can't stand the sound of doors slamming or any pounding for that matter.
- I can't watch any media content that contains a rape scene or even discussion about rape.
- Any reference to or discussion about my assault.
- I cannot be alone with a man if I'm in closed quarters.
- Certain phrases are triggers: "You know you want this." "It's your fault."
- A particular name. If I have friends with that name (and I do) I call them by the Spanish or Italian version: Miguel or Michele.
- A court room or anything having to do with the legal system.
- Blocked phone calls
- Anonymous messages
- Being Scapegoated or blamed for things I did not do.
Symptoms
- Avoidance
- Panic Attacks
- Dissociative Amnesia
- Night terrors
- Hypervigilance
- Irritability/Anger outbursts
I have had every one of those symptoms above. Usually it ends with an uncontrollable flow of tears. It isn't crying. In fact there is no emotion tied to those tears. I think it's just my body's way of releasing that stress. Some people sweat profusely; I shed tears.
I do take medication in low doses, and monthly meetings with my therapist have helped me a great deal. What has helped most, though, is disclosing what happened to me and my life with PTSD. I have found a great deal of support, admiration and respect for what I've been through. Most importantly, I am building a great deal of strength. The supportive environment here has restored some sense of trust and faith in humanity.
In any event, I'm not going to let PTSD control my life. There will always be triggers, some I can avoid, others I will have to adapt to, and some that I will have to confront head on. Earlier today, I made a very bold step to confront one of those triggers and take back some control of my life. It was scary, and I had a mild anxiety attack in the process, but in the end, I walked out feeling better with a smile on my face. It's definitely progress.
In any event, I'm not going to let PTSD control my life. There will always be triggers, some I can avoid, others I will have to adapt to, and some that I will have to confront head on. Earlier today, I made a very bold step to confront one of those triggers and take back some control of my life. It was scary, and I had a mild anxiety attack in the process, but in the end, I walked out feeling better with a smile on my face. It's definitely progress.
Where I still continue to have a tough time, though, is with Demian. I disclosed everything to him from day one. I kept nothing from him. I was completely honest and vulnerable. This was the man who promised to take care of me; who promised he would never let me fall with promises of love, marriage, and children. I opened up to him, yet he judged me for it. And he betrayed my trust by disclosing my life to people who have never met me.
As much as I've progressed living with PTSD and with all my achievements, it still hurts. I entrusted my mind, body and spirit in Demian. Though I'm very certain that deep down, he feels guilty for what he's done.