Dissociation

And we would go on as though nothing was wrong.
And hide from these days we remained all alone.
Staying in the same place, just staying out the time.
Touching from a distance,
Further all the time.

                       

                      -Joy Division

I recounted a dream to my therapist last night; one that had always stayed with me. I was spending the day with my family; parents, aunts, uncles, cousins. We were just having a good time eating and laughing. When night came, and everyone had left, I stayed up talking with my dad about my fears, hopes and dreams. As I laid down to sleep, my dad sat at my bedside. He gave me a kiss on my forehead and said goodnight. I cried out, "Daddy, I don't want to go to sleep because I'm afraid when I wake up, I won't be here." He reassured me everything would be fine. As I closed my eyes in my dream, I opened my eyes and awoke to the reality around me.

I explained to my therapist that I felt I was in a constant slumber. I lived as if my reality was just a long nightmare and my peaceful dreams were the reality. That is until finally, the nightmare ended. However, there may be moments when I withdraw and I don't remember how I got from one place to another. Sometimes I felt as if time past me by and all of a sudden, I'm in a new situation. Other times, I feel as though I'm on auto pilot.

I was informed that what I have been experiencing is dissociation. It is a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's amazing how the brain works to try to protect itself from traumatic situations and experiences. But at the same time, it's scary because I seem to be in a dissociative state more often than usual. I was asked if I felt threatened in any way. "Always," was my response.

She explained that our response to stress or threatening situations is either fight or flight. However, there is a third response: freeze. In my case, I experience the third response. I don't physically freeze, but it's as though my brain shuts off or at least psychologically I'm cut off from my reality. This is how my brain protects itself.

My therapist caught on to the idea of needing to be protected. Deep down, that is how I feel. I grew up with my parents protecting me and shielding me from the ills of the world. And, as an adult, when I experienced just how cruel and corrupt the world is, it was just a shock to my system; to a point that I just shut down emotionally and become withdrawn. What happens in the interim is a blur to my memory. When it's over, I either snap out of it or suffer an anxiety attack.

In some cases, it doesn't take a visible threat. It can be certain memories that trigger it. This could be images, sounds, words and even the environment. At least now I was able to identify a symptom. This is just something I have to learn to work through.